Loving

The sun shines upon me
Warming the essence of
                my womaness;


A smile curls upward
                towards the heavens,
Your masculinity fills me;


I touch your naked flesh
                 I taste your sweat, salty sweet;
My nostrils fill with the smell
                 Of your manliness
And I feel your breath upon my neck
                As you gently caress
                My body...


Loving all of me with your touch


You reach your hand inside my bosom
               And gently caress my heart.
With the language of your beautiful physique
               You touch me
               Where I have never been touched


Your piercing eyes penetrate my armour,
                shattering my resistance


You hold my heart in the palm
                of your hand
You promise to keep me safe
                I yearn to trust
                To risk one more time...


The fall of my life is upon me
                As leaves turn red and orange
Golden wheat fields harvested
                Barren land where
                Only stubble remains


My femininity opens wide and
                Welcomes you to a place no other has gone
Our eyes meet as we embrace
                Then we dance to a rhythm
                 Created many lifetimes ago


Our meeting is not by chance
                But ordained by the sun and the moon
Ordained by the birds of the sky,
                By the highest mountain,
                By the deepest valley.


Yes we have come together
                As our hearts beat as one
Holding one another tenderly as our
                Lips find the other
                And kiss deeply


I feel you inside me
                Touching every cell of my being
Electrifying me, raising me up
                To the mountain top
                And the skies beyond


Then gently pulling away
                You reach out your arms
And I fall to your chest
                As you hold me close
                And the tears come


Because you have loved me fully with all that you are
                 With all that you have been
                  And with all that you will be


Springtime dwells in my sensuality
                  Returning my youth
                   Loving for Eternity
















                






                

Fear of the Unknown

I see the pain in your eyes.  I hear the tears in your voice.  You have aged a lifetime. The sparkle in your eyes no longer thrives.  We are forever changed by the news. News that you have stage four cancer.  Conversation is difficult.  There is no more ebb and flow.  I am choking.  It is difficult to breathe.  Can't get a deep breath.  The emotional pain is expressed in physical ways.  My forearms ache.  My thighs ache.  My hands ache.  I cannot change your experience.  I cannot fix it.  I can only be with you in your experience and by being with you, I create my own.  New and scary.  I am so afraid of where I have not gone.  So much has been lost...hopes and dreams for the future.  Today it is not the same as yesterday.  

My throat swells with tears.  My heart aches for what was...the love, the embrace, the talking, the listening, the quiet, the knowing, the dreaming, the planning.  A life full of plans not yet made, compassion not yet shared, words not yet spoken, dreams not yet fulfilled.  All of it now swallowed up by the darkness ... only a small light flickering ... perhaps hope or maybe death.  This morning I heard your voice and I felt encouraged by your words, your light heartedness.  Encouraged that maybe, just maybe everything would be alright.  Oh God ... I could only hope.  Hope for the best possible outcome.  

What would the outcome be?  The outcome that would be best?  I cannot think because my heart still yearns for what was.  The best would be what was and yet that will never be again.  That has passed.   All that is left is today and the tomorrows that have not yet arrived.  My heart aches.  Out of fear of the unknown. 

Us All

The eyes of darkness penetrating the soul;
Slaying the innocence of the child;
Forever changed,
Never the same;
Dreams once vibrant, now forgotten,
The light of hope and faith
Snuffed out;
A body wracked with pain
Embodying the memories of evils untold;
With each step dead bones
Scream a tormented cry;
Lips silent
Unable to tell the story of agony endured,
No words can describe the terror,
No one could hear the small child's anguish.

The eyes of darkness remembered;
An open wound in the heart of the woman;
Poison bleeds into each living cell
Bringing hate and anger,
An unforgiving spirit,
A wall of guilt and anger
Until one day
The woman meets a heart without condition;
Who shows her how to love again
How to dream new dreams
How to speak her truth
How to feel;
She rises up
And with profound courage and strength
She finds her resilience as
She lets go of the shame,
It is then her gaping wound heals
And physical pain dissipates

And now she peers beyond the darkened eyes
And sees the light of the small Innocent boy
Whose abused and neglected soul
Finds power in the perpetrating of others,
Who destroys the dreams of the future
And darkens the light of the innocent;
As her heart connects with his heart,
Compassion and forgiveness fill her,
She looks more deeply into his eyes
And she sees the face of her God looking back;
She falls to her knees
And her wailing can be heard for all eternity
She cries for all
Who have been wounded by others,
Who have perpetrated others;
She cries for Us All

Safe and Sleeping Like A Small Child

You seem at peace today. 
Ready for Surgery.  Ready for your body to be traumatized in order for healing. 

Am I ready?  Am I ready for this next step?  My courage does not seem to match yours. 

I have trouble listening to the words...the words that describe what is to come. 

I cannot imagine because I will not go allow myself to go there.  Tears well up in my eyes, the salt stinging. 
I am glad you have closed your eyes so as not to see mine.  The tears roll down my cheeks.  It is not time for the emotion. 

Not the time to let myself fall apart.

  I need to be strong.  I need to put on a face to show you and the world I am strong, I am okay.  You can lean on me because I have been born to be leaned on. 

This is my gift.  I have had this gift for a very long time.  I have been able to wrap my arms around people and hold them up.  

Tonight the load feels heavy.  Off balance.  Where is my balance?  You used to balance me ... but today I cannot allow you to do that because you need every bit of energy you possess for you and for what is to come.  

You have finally drifted off to sleep.  Your chest gently rises and falls.  I will sleep now.  So let the sleep come.  Tomorrow is a new day.  I am so glad you are here tonight...safe and sleeping like a small child.

But the Cancer does not sleep.....

His Voice

His tender voice falls from his lips
                 And into her heart,
The slumbering goddess within awakens;
Blood courses through her veins, her body trembles
                  Letting her know she is alive


Words of love roll off his tongue
                  While rain falls from the skies, moistening her form;
Butterflies explode within her being;
A rainbow arches from the heavens above
                   As she sings her way home


Intimate moments shared
                   Between lovers who have not yet met
Never touched, never felt the other's nakedness
Longing for one another on a road of endless miles
                   Seeking moments in time


A burning desire rises up;
                   Lava flows forth
As the volcano of emotion erupts and the earth moves;
Exhaustion overcomes her
                    Her eyes close


Remembering his voice, his beautiful voice...


                 

Please Forgive Me

Gravel grinds beneath; penetrating her flesh

As grotesque shadows dance a chaotic rumba

 Beneath the light of a lamp post  

With each thrust, old stones find their resting place;

The clay beneath turns crimson as her youth dies

And flesh becomes cold to the touch  

The night is young but the day is old  

The girl cries out in pain;

Yet no sound gives voice to the horrors of darkness

Soil finds the back of her throat

Commingling with white droplets bitter sweet;

Then the choking, the gasping;

Fighting is futile;

Body  parts flailing  

She becomes a corpse without a burial;

An army destroying her trust,

A raging war;

Consumed by anger... 

Where the tormented soul of the night meets her broken spirit by day,
She escapes to a world beyond the present
On the wings of an eagle soaring high;
To a place where she does not feel,
Where she will not choke,
Where the war can be won.
As she locks the door behind her and shuts out the light of day,
She finds comfort away from her tormented thoughts.
It is here in this secret place she learns how to survive the gravel
And the soil and the crimson clay.
It is here where the flow of blood can be slowed and the white drops recede.
A world of pretend and theatre comes alive.
The lies become her reality
And the characters are plenty.

A life is lived forgetting the past,
Leaving the girl in dark isolation;
Abandoning her existence and ashamed of every ounce of her being.
Within each living cell the body carries the memories of her anguish.
She can no longer endure the sorrow.
An aching and a longing for that little girl becomes unbearable;
Rising up until one day the door is smashed open.
Shining light upon the darkness,
A ray of hope falls upon a beautiful, trembling child
Huddled in the corner of the room ...
I reach out my hand and our eyes lock and we become one.

With a loving gentle tug she leaves this place to venture forth
In pursuit of truth, to expose her vulnerability to the world,
To feel the suffering rise up from every fibre of her being.
And then the tears come.
She gathers up her broken spirit to her bosom and weeps until there are no more tears.
She wraps her arms around herself and feels the rhythm of her beating heart.
Music rises up to the mountain top
As she sings a new love song.
Nearby a voice can be heard softly saying I love you. I'm sorry. Please forgive me.

Intensive Care

Rush hour traffic doesn't keep me from being late for this appointment.  I leave early so as to arrive on time.  I'm usually on time but today I have to be on time.  I promised my best friend I would meet her by the Information Desk 15 minutes before her appointment.  I look for her as soon as I enter the foyer.  There she is....I can see her sitting beside her husband on a bench.  We hug, we make small talk, we wait.  We wait until the clinic opens at 0800 hours.  Soon the three of us are inside an examining room with a surgeon and his resident.  We are listening intently.  We are trying to grasp all that is being said.

The following weeks are filled with anticipation, anxiety, fear, hope, disbelief, shock, and faith.  Would she survive this or 
would her life end prematurely?  The waiting is endless.  The  
moments precious. The day arrives and my life stands still as my best friend fights for hers...

I step off the elevator onto the third floor and walk towards ICU.  I move forward not knowing what is to come.  I think I know, but just maybe, I who know everything, doesn't really know anything after all.  I walk through the double doors that close behind me.  In front of me another set of doors.  This time they are locked.  I press a button on the wall and a voice speaks to me, "Who are you here to see?"  I reply with the name of my best friend.  "Are you family?"  "Yes.  I'm  her 

sister."  I am not lying cause we really are sisters.  Soul sisters.  The doors swing open and I walk through.

But I am not prepared for what is to come.  Nothing could have prepared me for what I was about to experience.  Not nursing in a hospital for fifteen years, not age or wisdom or experience; nothing could have prepared me.  Perhaps for the first time in my life I am utterly speechless.  Powerlessness overcomes me.  I am frozen where I stand.  Fear rises up in 
my belly.  A man's voice asks me if I can stay awhile.  Yes, I can stay for awhile. Her husband leaves.  He will only be gone a short while to have some lunch. He is meeting their son.  Tubes are everywhere.  A tracheotomy allows her to breathe and maintain sufficient blood oxygen levels.  Four drains in her neck help reduce the swelling and promote healing.  Several bags of fluid hang on IV poles and are continuously administered into her blood stream.  I don't count them or try to understand what each is for.  I see the feeding tube and feel grateful her body is receiving nourishment.  I remember she was anxious about the thought of feeling hungry after surgery and not being able to communicate her needs to the staff.

I speak not a word. A voice inside me screams, "Where are you, my friend?  WHERE ARE YOU?"  Suddenly her eyelids fly open, rapidly blinking; as though she hears my question.  Her eyes look like a deer caught in the headlights.  She is not aware of my presence.  The monitor reads her pulse has jumped to 116.  Her BP is 168/120.  She presses a button in her hand over and over again...giving herself morphine for the pain.  Her eyes close as the morphine flows.  Vitals return to normal. 

I gently let her know I am here.  Once again her swollen eyes open.  She winces and pulls away as I gently bend towards her to touch her brow.  I sense her fear as I pull back, aware this is not okay.  Once

again, she blinks rapidly,  but this time seemingly with purpose.  I ask her if she needs her eyes wiped with a warm cloth.  She nods.  I find fresh linens on a cart in the room.  I grab a face cloth and place the cloth under a hot water tap; squeezing out the excess moisture.  This small action gives me a moment to gather strength to face my friend without crying.  I wipe the grit away from both eyes with the warm cloth.  My eyes notice the bandages on her left arm where the graft was taken.  I am both in awe and horrified by the incisions on her face and neck.  So many.  Her whole body is swollen with fluids. Sixteen hours on the operating table. Sixteen hours.  Tears well up in my eyes and spill over.  I am grateful she cannot see.  She needs me to be strong.  No...nothing had prepared me.  Nothing at all.

She is resting comfortably.  I sit and browse through the local paper, not really seeing the words in print.  No.  My mind drifts...

My Best Friend...forever my best friend.  A lifetime of love and laughter, joy and pain, sharing secrets, dreaming dreams.  Recovery, healing, becoming!  Yes, we have shared a journey of becoming the women we are intended to be by accepting and loving the women we are.  Loving ourselves, loving and nurturing other women, and yes, loving and nurturing the men in our lives. Honoring our experiences!  Forgiving our choices!  It has not been an easy path.  Depths of despair experienced in the darkest places of our souls.  But side by side we climbed the mountain and found our treasure...the light of forgiveness and pure love washing over us, cleansing our hearts.   

 

I leave the hospital and look to the skies. The sun is shining. The skies are blue. A crisp winter day. I don't know what the future holds but I do know that the God of my understanding walks with me in my pain and that same God is carrying my friend until she heals enough to be able to walk on her own. I wipe the tears from my eyes and stand tall. Today she is alive and today that is all that matters.