I see the pain in your eyes. I hear the tears in your voice. You have aged a lifetime. The sparkle in your eyes no longer thrives. We are forever changed by the news. News that you have stage four cancer. Conversation is difficult. There is no more ebb and flow. I am choking. It is difficult to breathe. Can't get a deep breath. The emotional pain is expressed in physical ways. My forearms ache. My thighs ache. My hands ache. I cannot change your experience. I cannot fix it. I can only be with you in your experience and by being with you, I create my own. New and scary. I am so afraid of where I have not gone. So much has been lost...hopes and dreams for the future. Today it is not the same as yesterday.
My throat swells with tears. My heart aches for what was...the love, the embrace, the talking, the listening, the quiet, the knowing, the dreaming, the planning. A life full of plans not yet made, compassion not yet shared, words not yet spoken, dreams not yet fulfilled. All of it now swallowed up by the darkness ... only a small light flickering ... perhaps hope or maybe death. This morning I heard your voice and I felt encouraged by your words, your light heartedness. Encouraged that maybe, just maybe everything would be alright. Oh God ... I could only hope. Hope for the best possible outcome.
What would the outcome be? The outcome that would be best? I cannot think because my heart still yearns for what was. The best would be what was and yet that will never be again. That has passed. All that is left is today and the tomorrows that have not yet arrived. My heart aches. Out of fear of the unknown.
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