Fear of the Unknown

I see the pain in your eyes.  I hear the tears in your voice.  You have aged a lifetime. The sparkle in your eyes no longer thrives.  We are forever changed by the news. News that you have stage four cancer.  Conversation is difficult.  There is no more ebb and flow.  I am choking.  It is difficult to breathe.  Can't get a deep breath.  The emotional pain is expressed in physical ways.  My forearms ache.  My thighs ache.  My hands ache.  I cannot change your experience.  I cannot fix it.  I can only be with you in your experience and by being with you, I create my own.  New and scary.  I am so afraid of where I have not gone.  So much has been lost...hopes and dreams for the future.  Today it is not the same as yesterday.  

My throat swells with tears.  My heart aches for what was...the love, the embrace, the talking, the listening, the quiet, the knowing, the dreaming, the planning.  A life full of plans not yet made, compassion not yet shared, words not yet spoken, dreams not yet fulfilled.  All of it now swallowed up by the darkness ... only a small light flickering ... perhaps hope or maybe death.  This morning I heard your voice and I felt encouraged by your words, your light heartedness.  Encouraged that maybe, just maybe everything would be alright.  Oh God ... I could only hope.  Hope for the best possible outcome.  

What would the outcome be?  The outcome that would be best?  I cannot think because my heart still yearns for what was.  The best would be what was and yet that will never be again.  That has passed.   All that is left is today and the tomorrows that have not yet arrived.  My heart aches.  Out of fear of the unknown. 

Us All

The eyes of darkness penetrating the soul;
Slaying the innocence of the child;
Forever changed,
Never the same;
Dreams once vibrant, now forgotten,
The light of hope and faith
Snuffed out;
A body wracked with pain
Embodying the memories of evils untold;
With each step dead bones
Scream a tormented cry;
Lips silent
Unable to tell the story of agony endured,
No words can describe the terror,
No one could hear the small child's anguish.

The eyes of darkness remembered;
An open wound in the heart of the woman;
Poison bleeds into each living cell
Bringing hate and anger,
An unforgiving spirit,
A wall of guilt and anger
Until one day
The woman meets a heart without condition;
Who shows her how to love again
How to dream new dreams
How to speak her truth
How to feel;
She rises up
And with profound courage and strength
She finds her resilience as
She lets go of the shame,
It is then her gaping wound heals
And physical pain dissipates

And now she peers beyond the darkened eyes
And sees the light of the small Innocent boy
Whose abused and neglected soul
Finds power in the perpetrating of others,
Who destroys the dreams of the future
And darkens the light of the innocent;
As her heart connects with his heart,
Compassion and forgiveness fill her,
She looks more deeply into his eyes
And she sees the face of her God looking back;
She falls to her knees
And her wailing can be heard for all eternity
She cries for all
Who have been wounded by others,
Who have perpetrated others;
She cries for Us All

Safe and Sleeping Like A Small Child

You seem at peace today. 
Ready for Surgery.  Ready for your body to be traumatized in order for healing. 

Am I ready?  Am I ready for this next step?  My courage does not seem to match yours. 

I have trouble listening to the words...the words that describe what is to come. 

I cannot imagine because I will not go allow myself to go there.  Tears well up in my eyes, the salt stinging. 
I am glad you have closed your eyes so as not to see mine.  The tears roll down my cheeks.  It is not time for the emotion. 

Not the time to let myself fall apart.

  I need to be strong.  I need to put on a face to show you and the world I am strong, I am okay.  You can lean on me because I have been born to be leaned on. 

This is my gift.  I have had this gift for a very long time.  I have been able to wrap my arms around people and hold them up.  

Tonight the load feels heavy.  Off balance.  Where is my balance?  You used to balance me ... but today I cannot allow you to do that because you need every bit of energy you possess for you and for what is to come.  

You have finally drifted off to sleep.  Your chest gently rises and falls.  I will sleep now.  So let the sleep come.  Tomorrow is a new day.  I am so glad you are here tonight...safe and sleeping like a small child.

But the Cancer does not sleep.....

His Voice

His tender voice falls from his lips
                 And into her heart,
The slumbering goddess within awakens;
Blood courses through her veins, her body trembles
                  Letting her know she is alive


Words of love roll off his tongue
                  While rain falls from the skies, moistening her form;
Butterflies explode within her being;
A rainbow arches from the heavens above
                   As she sings her way home


Intimate moments shared
                   Between lovers who have not yet met
Never touched, never felt the other's nakedness
Longing for one another on a road of endless miles
                   Seeking moments in time


A burning desire rises up;
                   Lava flows forth
As the volcano of emotion erupts and the earth moves;
Exhaustion overcomes her
                    Her eyes close


Remembering his voice, his beautiful voice...


                 

Please Forgive Me

Gravel grinds beneath; penetrating her flesh

As grotesque shadows dance a chaotic rumba

 Beneath the light of a lamp post  

With each thrust, old stones find their resting place;

The clay beneath turns crimson as her youth dies

And flesh becomes cold to the touch  

The night is young but the day is old  

The girl cries out in pain;

Yet no sound gives voice to the horrors of darkness

Soil finds the back of her throat

Commingling with white droplets bitter sweet;

Then the choking, the gasping;

Fighting is futile;

Body  parts flailing  

She becomes a corpse without a burial;

An army destroying her trust,

A raging war;

Consumed by anger... 

Where the tormented soul of the night meets her broken spirit by day,
She escapes to a world beyond the present
On the wings of an eagle soaring high;
To a place where she does not feel,
Where she will not choke,
Where the war can be won.
As she locks the door behind her and shuts out the light of day,
She finds comfort away from her tormented thoughts.
It is here in this secret place she learns how to survive the gravel
And the soil and the crimson clay.
It is here where the flow of blood can be slowed and the white drops recede.
A world of pretend and theatre comes alive.
The lies become her reality
And the characters are plenty.

A life is lived forgetting the past,
Leaving the girl in dark isolation;
Abandoning her existence and ashamed of every ounce of her being.
Within each living cell the body carries the memories of her anguish.
She can no longer endure the sorrow.
An aching and a longing for that little girl becomes unbearable;
Rising up until one day the door is smashed open.
Shining light upon the darkness,
A ray of hope falls upon a beautiful, trembling child
Huddled in the corner of the room ...
I reach out my hand and our eyes lock and we become one.

With a loving gentle tug she leaves this place to venture forth
In pursuit of truth, to expose her vulnerability to the world,
To feel the suffering rise up from every fibre of her being.
And then the tears come.
She gathers up her broken spirit to her bosom and weeps until there are no more tears.
She wraps her arms around herself and feels the rhythm of her beating heart.
Music rises up to the mountain top
As she sings a new love song.
Nearby a voice can be heard softly saying I love you. I'm sorry. Please forgive me.